


We can make it through anything

by crazypooch



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 21:18:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10625340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazypooch/pseuds/crazypooch
Summary: Robert becomes depressed and no one realizes before it turns really, really bad





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is set somewhere in the future. I hope you like it, I haven't written too much fan fic so I do apologize if you think it's total rubbish. Also, I'm not British and I don't know if everything is quite correct but I hope you don't mind too much.

No one could really tell when it all had started and it was not like knowing ”when” would have made any difference; they still had not seen it coming. Maybe it had been hidden somewhere deep down for years, waiting to surface, waiting for him to succumb to it, to crumple. Or maybe it developed quickly. Everyone had a theory of their own and every single villager, unsurprisingly, obviously thought their theory was the correct one. But the truth was that not even Robert himself knew the answers and when he had taken that decisive step, he could not have cared any less.

 

 

No one had seen the signs. Of course when you think about it, it all makes sense and you start wondering how you missed them all but it is not like Robert was, is, the most open person. And it was not that Aaron did not want to see that the person he loved, who always seemed to have everything under control, who always had been there for him, who hardly ever had let anything affect him, was breaking down on the inside. He was just too willing to believe Robert’s excuses, his explanations for his behavior, his symptoms. And now he is just feeling sick. Seeing Robert looking frail and small in the hospital bed is tearing him apart and there is nothing he can do except promise Robert over and over again that he will never let him down again.

 

 

It had started slowly. The first signs of something not being quite rights was that Robert started working less. Well, actually, he first began to turn up late for work. At first, no one thought anything weird about it, he was only late a couple of times every other week. But as the weeks went on, it became the normal that Robert would turn up late every week and later on, after a few months, he would be running late every day, not showing up before lunch time. When questioned, he usually blamed it on the fatigue, the lack of sleep he was getting and he convinced everyone he was going to get a doctor’s appointment. But the truth was, he just somehow did not want to sleep and the reason for him not showing up in time was not that he was tired, but because he did not see any point in working. And he could not even understand it himself. He had always enjoyed being busy and earning money but as time went by, he found himself realizing that slowly everything became indifferent. He did manage to force himself though to drive up to the scrap yard up till a couple of days before the incident but his head was always somewhere else. He had started to struggle to focus and time always seemed to fly by. It became hard for him to separate days, everything blurring together in to one big dollop. He became more of a liability at work and the atmosphere at the yard became strained. Aaron had a go at Jimmy, Nicola and Adam a couple of times, telling them to cut Robert some slack, that Robert had a right to feel stressed and tired from time to time. 

Of course Aaron knew something was up but he never knew how serious things actually were. Robert was excellent at covering things up and talking himself out of anything. And he always had reassured Aaron that he would get help if things were to get worse. It never crossed Aaron's mind that Robert had been lying about his health all along and now he could not feel any worse. As he was sitting next to Robert's bed, stroking his thumb over his husband's hand, everything that had happened over the last months were on repeat in his head and he could not help feeling that he should have known. He should have been able to somehow prevent this. He could usually read Robert like an open book so how had he not seen what was happening right in front of his eyes? How had he not been able to see how Robert was struggling, that he was not his usual self? 

 

Robert began sleeping less and less and sometimes he would be staying up all night, not going to bed before late the following evening. He began to cook less and slowly his usually healthy meals would be traded for something fatty, fast and unhealthy. He gained quite some weight in just a few months, he was still at a normal weight but there was a noticeable difference. Aaron never was a person who would eat salads and healthy stuff so when Robert started to develop these bad eating habits, he felt he did not have a right to comment, he just let it be. Sure, Aaron did question him about his behavior but Robert was always able to somehow make it seem like it was no big of a deal and by some means Aaron always believed him. 

 

 

 

Before that day nothing overly alarming happened. Robert had been a bit strange for quite some time, distant and not himself, anyone could see that, but no one had a clue what had been going on in his head. No one had ever thought that what happened that day would be something Robert had been contemplating. Robert was always so sure of himself, cocky, arrogant...There was nothing about him that would have indicated that he someday would try and kill himself. 

 

 

 

When the police had appeared outside the front door of the Mill, Aaron had thought they had come for something Liv had done. Never would he have thought that there would be a day when the cops would show up to tell him how the love of his life had, according to a couple of witnesses, stood for quite some time on the pavement looking out at the busy road before suddenly surging in front of a car. At first Aaron had been sure they had gone to the wrong house; Robert would never do something like that, he knew his husband and he would never try to take his own life. Why would he? They were happy, weren't they? Their businesses were doing well, they had just booked a holiday for just the two of them to go to Nice, Liv was for once behaving and actually doing really well at school, so why would he have done such a thing?

Aaron could not remember much fro the drive to the hospital .Suddenly he was sitting in the waiting room with his mum, Diane, Vic and Adam. He did not even have a clue how they had gotten there and he could not really care, his thought entirely on his husband. He could not even think about Liv. Nothing had made any sense, and it still did not. The doctors had come by and told them Robert was in a coma, his condition critical. He had a brain injury, broken cheekbone, broken ribs, a broken leg and a dislocated shoulder. Victoria had demanded that the doctors would tell them all how Robert was going to be fine but when they told her the chance of him surviving and becoming his usual, normal self, was extremely small, she had collapsed on the floor crying hysterically and no matter how Adam and Diane had tried to calm her down, she could not. Aaron could feel his mum's arm around him but that was the only thing he could feel. He somehow could not cry, or scream or feel anything except this numbness.

 

 

Aaron usually cried easily, but since the day the police had showed up, he had not shed a single tear. It has been three weeks now and Robert is still the same in a coma. Aaron knows that with each day that goes by, the chance of Robert waking up becomes smaller and smaller. But he cannot think about that. He cannot give up hope. He has promised Robert, every day at his hospital bed, that he will never let him down again and he feels that if he even for a second lets his mind wonder and question the possibility of Robert waking up it would mean he was giving up on him and he cannot do that. Everyone else has began to accept that they will not get Robert back and Aaron is angry at them for that. How can they "get over" him so quickly?! Of course they do visit him but they never stay for long and the visits have become less frequent but Aaron is still there every single day for a long as he can. Liv is staying at the pub most days and Aaron feels guilty over that too. He should not push her away, he does not mean to but she is still drifting away. Aaron has not been working full days the whole three weeks and even though Adam, Jimmy and Nicola say they are understanding, he knows that they are starting to get annoyed. But he cannot function properly with Robert like this,he cannot go on with his life when his husband is lying there after trying to kill himself. 

 

 

 

Much to everyone's surprise, Robert actually wakes up after being in a coma for a little over a month. Vic is over the moon, as is Aaron, Diane and Liv but their happiness is not long lasting. The doctors tell them how Robert has TBI, or traumatic brain injury from the car hitting him, and how he is going to be transferred, when possible, to a rehabilitation center where they also will deal with the causes of his suicide attempt. The vague answers about his condition infuriates Aaron and he is so close to lashing out, hitting someone close by, but the look on the others faces stops him. They look devastated and suddenly everything hits him like a wave and he finds himself running and not stopping before he is far away from the hospital. The tears come flooding, blurring his vision and he collapses to the ground, feeling like his heart is ripping in two. Everything he has been keeping inside comes pouring out and he cannot control it. All he can think about is Robert and everything hurts. It hurts so, so bad.

 

 

 

Robert is still not back home even after six months after going to the rehab center. The villagers keep whispering around, they have not stopped since they found out that Robert Sugden of all people tried to kill himself. No one knows why he did it. Not even Aaron. Aaron has visited him, of course, but every time he tries to talk about what happened and why, Robert changes the subject. After a while Aaron stopped asking, knowing that Robert was talking to a therapist. But of course it hurt, still does, knowing your husband does not want to open up to you about what was and is going on in his head. Everything feels so difficult and after a lot of persuasion, Aaron has also started counselling and it helps. He did not want to admit it at first, but it feels good to talk with someone not involved with what happened. He talks about how it felt when he heard what happened, how he is feeling about Robert coming back home. How he felt when Robert woke up, how it feels knowing that he will not get his old Robert back, that Robert is not the same man he was. Robert is not only different because of the major depression-diagnosis, his head injury left him with lasting effects. Aaron had difficulties accepting the changes at first but talking about it with an outsider has been good. And he has had time to adjust. The first few months were the worst. Aaron left the center every single time crying. Robert, who always was good at talking, now has difficulties finding words or explain something. He also has difficulties concentrating and he has a hard time solving problems and learning new things. Robert talks less now and keeps more to himself and Aaron's heart breaks every time he sees Robert struggling and every time he kicks himself mentally that he was not able to prevent this from happening. His counselor keeps saying that what happened was not his fault and even if he deep down knows it, he is reluctant to accept it. 

 

 

 

Robert comes home 9 months after waking up at the hospital. It takes time to adjust to him being back but they soon get used to being around each other again. The villagers got bored eventually and changed the subject of gossip a few weeks ago and things started to get back to normal. It is obviously not the same kind of normal as before but the new one is not that bad. Both Aaron and Robert struggled the first weeks and everything is, as expected, a slow process. They all, Robert, Aaron and Liv, have had to learn how to deal with Robert's sometimes rapid mood swings and Aaron is grateful for all the support the center has given, and continues to give them. They all know now when to back off and how to deal with their frustrations and they have become stronger, although they obviously still have their ups and downs. Robert is on antidepressants and they both continue to go to counselling, Robert twice a week, Aaron once every other week. It is difficult for Aaron to leave Robert at home when he goes to work and he is not sure he will ever stop worrying about him. Diane has promised though to check up on him and luckily Liv's school days are not too long. They still have not talked about what happened and why, but Aaron has promised Robert that he is not going to push him. It is eating him up for the inside though, but he cannot tell Robert that, not now, he has too much going on at the moment. But even though he is keeping it from Robert, he has learned that it is no good to bottle things up, so instead, he talks to his counselor about it. 

 

 

 

On the anniversary of the event Aaron is on edge. Sure, he has been all week, but it has only gotten worse. Everything has been fine, but then again that is what he thought back then and then look what happened. Robert is now working a couple of days a week and he occasionally does some work from home, but with the effects from the TBI, he will never be able to do the same as before. Liv is upstairs, surprisingly doing her homework and tea is ready for when Robert is coming home. Usually they go home together but Cain had needed Aaron's help at the garage and shockingly let him go earlier than expected, so Aaron thought about making something nice for Robert and Liv. It is almost half past 5 and Robert should have been home already. He wants to call him, but decides not to. He wants to show him he trusts him. And Robert has been alright. 

 

 

The clock is ticking. Robert should have been home an hour ago. The worry is taking over him and he feels the panic rising. He grabs his phone, calling Adam, asking if Robert is still there but the answer is he left ages ago. He quickly runs upstairs telling Liv he will be back soon, before he rushes outside. He keeps trying to call Robert but he is not answering. Every time it goes to voice mail he is shocked that his heart is still beating. He jumps into the car, quickly reversing but suddenly slamming the brakes, stopping the car before he manages to hit Robert. 

"Where the hell have you been?! I've been worried sick!" He yells, slamming the door hard before walking towards Robert pulling him in for a hug. He cannot calm himself down, tears are pouring from his eyes, wetting Robert's jacket. Robert is the one to pull away, looking confused.

"I-I-I'm sorry" 

"You were supposed to be here on hour ago and I thought..."

"You thought what?" 

 

Aaron takes a deep breath. He has never told Robert about this constant fear living inside of him but he feels like he needs to let him know.

 

"Well, it's exactly a year ago since.....since you.....since you tried to kill yourself"

 

There, he said it. He cannot look at Robert now. He feels like he has somehow betrayed him. But now he has started talking he cannot stop.

 

"I thought this day might have triggered you...to... to do something" 

 

His voice is shaky and he keeps his gaze down.

 

"I still don't know why you did it and I'm scared...so, so, scared that it will happen again. I can't lose you" 

 

He looks up, sees the tears in Robert's eyes, puts his hand on his cheek, caressing.

 

"I love you, you know and I can't be without you"

 

They keep staring into each others eyes until Robert turns away, walks to the old, wooden bench placed close to their front door. 

 

"It is not easy to explain, okay!" 

 

Robert is now sitting on the bench with his face buried in his hands. 

 

Aaron moves to sit beside him, taking Robert's hand in his own, Robert letting him.

 

"I thought we were happy, that everything was good, and then I hear you are lying in a hospital in a coma because you tried to kill yourself!"

 

Again, there is a silence, Robert staring in to the distance, Aaron looking at Robert, waiting for him to say something. He is just about to rise up when Robert speaks.

 

"It...It...I...I can't give you just one reason. I was happy, we were happy. I....I... just... Things had started to pile up and...you know how I never dealt with my past....I..." 

 

He starts getting frustrated, rubbing his hands through his hair.

 

"I guess, I guess I was due a....a....a....." 

 

He slams his palm to his forehead. 

 

"I guess I was due a breakdown"

 

He takes a deep breath. Aaron cannot help but put his arm around his husband, resting his head on his shoulder.

 

"I love you and I'm sorry" 

 

Aaron can hear Robert start sobbing and he cannot stop his own tears from pouring out again. They sit there, crying and holding each other tight. 

 

"I won't do it again. I swear." 

 

It is barely a whisper but Aaron hears it. 

 

"I'm sorry what I have put you through. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." 

 

Robert keeps repeating it over and over. Aaron moves and takes his husbands face between his hands. 

 

"Shhhsssh, I love you, you know that don't you? And Liv loves you too! And Vic and Diane!"

 

Robert nods, slowly, but he nods and Aaron smiles. He places a tender kiss on Robert's lips before wiping away the tears.

 

"Just promise me you'll talk to me, or someone if you ever feel like you did that day! Promise me!"

 

"I promise. I'm so, so, so sorry!"

 

They hug again, a long, tight hug filled with love and comfort. 

 

"I love you"

 

"I love you"


End file.
